


Things to Think About

by Pixiigh



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: F/F, Haley is Super Gay but won't admit it, Hope you're not looking for a happy ending, I don't have one for you, I don't know what feelings are but I'm doing my best, Internalized Homophobia, Missed Chances, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2019-04-20
Packaged: 2019-05-14 07:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14765417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pixiigh/pseuds/Pixiigh
Summary: Haley struggles with the fact that she’s in love with the Farmer, but can’t admit it to herself. Meanwhile, the Farmer has struggles of her own...





	1. Chapter 1

Fall 8, Year 2

 

Weddings are, to most people, an exciting time, full of love, happiness, and well wishes for the couple.

Weddings are, for the most part, a great time for guests to catch up with old friends while enjoying some free food and drinks.

Weddings, to Haley, were generally a special occasion to dress up and look better than any of the other girls in town. Weddings, to Haley, were also a great opportunity to brush up her photography portfolio and expand her experience beyond the rinky dink town she lived in.

This particular wedding, however, was none of those things.

Perhaps to other people it was. The guests looked as though they were enjoying themselves as Mayor Lewis officiated the ceremony, and the couple certainly looked happy.

Haley was not, and she didn’t know why.

Or, more correctly, she _did_ in fact know why, but would rather walk through hell on fire than admit it to herself.

She snapped photographs with the enthusiasm of a century old tortoise in a museum, electing to focus her efforts on arranging her face to not betray her.

Her heart ached in her chest as Ash smiled shyly at her soon-to-be-husband. Haley had to take a step back; she was getting too close. Although, at this point, too close could be anywhere on the entire continent.

 _It could have been you up there with her,_ hissed a nasty voice in the back of her head. She lowered her camera, frowned, and shook her head to clear it on the off chance someone in town could read minds.

No.

Ash was never meant to be with Haley, and it was Haley’s own stupid fault.

Perhaps in another time, they may have had a chance. But Haley could never admit to herself what the feelings she had for the farmer truly were until it was too late. She still couldn’t. So of course it was only natural for Ash to go somewhere else.

She _probably_ could have done better than the stiff, uptight town Doctor, however. Harvey hadn’t exactly swept Ash off her feet.

Nonetheless, whatever he had done must have worked, as Haley averted her eyes from the show of affection in front of her as the Mayor pronounced them man and wife.

They turned to Haley with expectant smiles. She remembered her duties half a second too late, and the photo she took was probably blurry.

_Isn’t that just a shame._

It hurt Haley to look at Ash beaming at her, dressed in white, the shade standing out against the dark skin of the woman before her. It felt like something was picking away at her side. Her brain staged a mutiny inside her head with a chorus of, ‘it should have been me!’

She shook her head again.

The festivities went well into the night. Haley snuck off as soon as she was able to, and found herself at home in bed, still able to hear the music.

Why had she put herself through that?

 _Because Ash asked you to,_ hissed the jealous voice once again. _It’s not like you can say no to her._

She sighed. She really couldn’t say no to Ash, and so when Ash had excitedly shown off her mermaid pendant and asked Haley to be the photographer, she could only grit her teeth and say, “of course.”

She rolled over onto her side to press an ear to the pillow in an effort to block out the noise.

_You’re in love with a married woman._

No. Stop.

_Woman._

_Stop._

Haley pulled the pillow on the other side of the bed down on her other ear, as if blocking the path between them would stop the thoughts. She had spent far too many nights on these thoughts, and hardly wanted to give them any more of her time.

As one could expect, the closeness of the celebrations outside in the town square kept her up. She would have to have a word with her parents about choosing to locate their family so close to any potential festivities.

Somehow, she fell into an uneasy sleep, her dreams full of Ash and regret.

* * *

 

Spring 2, Year 1

 

The new Farmer collided with Haley early on a Tuesday morning. She had been strolling to her usual spot by the fountain when a solid mass hit her, and both fell to the ground.

“Would it kill you to watch where you’re going?” Haley snapped. She rubbed the elbow that had collided with the stone street before looking up.

Stretched out across from her, nursing a hurt knee, was a new person that Haley hadn’t met.

“I was distracted,” the person said. “I don’t quite know my way around.”

Haley huffed through her nose as she hoisted herself back upright, not bothering to offer a hand.

“You don’t have to take up the whole road, then,” she scolded. “Seriously. Watch it next time.”

She stalked away. She reasoned that although she was being a real bitch, the new person deserved it. It wasn’t her fault that they got lost.

Unfortunately for her, Emily had seen the whole thing from the window of her bedroom, and was waiting for Haley when she came home.

“What was that?” she asked, as angrily as she could manage. The thing Haley liked about Emily, and there wasn’t many things, was that Emily was too positive to be negative. Being lectured by her sister was preferable to many things.

“What was what?” Haley asked back innocently. Perhaps she could play this off.

“I saw you run into Farmer Ash,” Emily replied, frowning. “You were rude to her, weren’t you? Your aura turned red, and hers turned blue. Haley, come on. You _have_ to start making an effort to be a little nicer to people around here.”

“I’m nice,” Haley snapped. “I’m nice to Alex. That’s all that matters anyway.”

Emily sighed. “Please, just help me make the Farmer feel welcome. She just moved here from the city, and I know she’s having a rough time.”

“That sounds like a _Farmer Ash_ problem to me.” Haley moved to the fridge to grab a cup of yogurt to take to her room. “She’s a big girl, she can make her own friends.”

Emily opened her mouth to retort, but Haley passed her to lock herself in her bedroom. She didn’t want to deal with the overwhelming positivity today.

A text from Alex pinged in on her phone.

**Hey, have you met the new farmer? He’s pretty cool!**

Haley rolled her eyes, tucking her spoon in her mouth to free her hands to reply.

_The new farmer is a woman, you dingus. According to Emily, anyway. And I don’t think she’s that great._

She felt bad for calling Alex a dingus, as she wasn’t even sure that the farmer was a woman until Emily had said so. But she never missed an opportunity to call Alex names.

**Even better. She brought my grandpa a leek. You know he loves leeks. She let me talk about gridball. Idk, I think we should be friends with her.**

Alex had a habit of talking about himself and Haley as one person. Although sometimes it annoyed her, sometimes it was useful. This time, it annoyed her.

_I don’t think so._

She couldn’t explain her animosity towards the Farmer, when she actually sat down to think about it. The Farmer hadn’t really done anything wrong. Losing track of where you’re going isn’t a hard thing to do, it wasn’t really her fault.

She sighed. Maybe Emily was right. Maybe _Alex_ was right. Maybe being nice to the Farmer wouldn’t be so bad.

**Whatever you say. More home grown food for me!**

* * *

 

Spring 24, Year 1

 

Haley’s favourite festival was, by far, the Flower Dance.

Pelican Town held a lot of stupid events that she hated, but the Flower Dance was her chance to shine. She considered herself the most beautiful woman in town, easily, and she was really in her element while dancing in the clearing.

Farmer Ash was ruining her favourite festival, and she had no idea how to process her emotions.

Alex usually danced with her. Alex _always_ danced with her. He wasn’t the greatest dancer, but he was better than anyone else in town. She never had to worry about having a partner before the Farmer moved in.

Alex took pity on the Farmer. She had come to the Dance without the traditional dress, in overalls covered in mud, with grass in her cropped hair, and it only took ten seconds for Alex to feel sorry for her.

“She probably doesn’t have anyone to dance with,” he mused as he watched her awkwardly going from resident to resident. “I’m going to dance with her.”

Haley barely caught the last part, as she wasn’t really listening.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice dripping with sinister sweetness. “What did you just say?”

“I said, I’m going to dance with her.” Alex wasn’t even looking at Haley when he told her that. “I feel bad for her.”

He started off towards the flustered Farmer, leaving Haley standing alone in the clearing like an idiot.

“Who am I supposed to dance with?” she called after him angrily. “Well, isn’t this just great? I’m all dressed up. This is stupid.”

She considered asking the mayor to cancel the entire festival. She was, after all, the Flower Queen. And what is a Flower Queen without a dance partner?

Nothing, that’s what.

Her eyes narrowed as she watched Alex approach Ash, holding his hand out. Ash took it gratefully, and her expression became less tense. Haley felt a hot flash of… jealousy? She wasn’t sure, having never experienced it before. Alex had never put her in this sort of situation.

She was seething while watching Alex dance with the stupid Farmer. They both looked happy, and Haley hated it.

She was still somehow crowned Flower Queen (she shot a gloating look at the Farmer when it was announced, but it went unnoticed), so the day wasn’t a complete waste.

She decided she would ignore Alex for a little while as punishment. As always, he would go about a day before cracking and apologizing.

The Farmer may have ruined the Flower Dance, but she wouldn’t ruin Haley’s social standing just yet.

* * *

 

Summer 8, Year 1

 

Haley realized that she may have been wrong about the Farmer when she woke up one day to find the woman sitting at her kitchen table with her sister.

Ash and Emily were both laughing at something, and Ash had her hand on Emily’s arm. Haley couldn’t help but feel as though she was walking into something… intimate, somehow. It was strange.

“Okay, lovebirds, break it up,” she said, annoyed, as she ventured to the fruit basket for a banana. Emily grinned.

“Ash was just telling me that the Mayor sent her a letter,” she explained. “To find a pair of underwear.”

“I saw them in Marnie’s bedroom,” Ash finished with a laugh. “I felt uncomfortable going in there to get them, but he’s literally there _every night,_ I don’t know how he forgets them.”

“Wait, are Lewis and Marnie a thing?” This was the first Haley had heard about this. “That’s… disgusting.”

“They’re not _really_ a thing,” Ash replied, swivelling around in her chair to look at Haley. “Lewis won’t commit to her. Says something about it ruining his reputation. She deserves so much better.”

Haley bit into her banana thoughtfully, returning Ash’s gaze. She had never really thought about Marnie as anything other than the frumpy chicken lady with the drunk nephew and the cute niece (although, Haley wasn’t sure Jas was Marnie’s niece, but didn’t care to find out). Ash’s story made her agree with the sentiment.

“I don’t know why anyone would date the mayor anyway,” she scoffed. “He’s old.”

“Old people can be romantic too, Haley,” Emily scolded. “Give Lewis some credit.”

“I think he’s a gross, wrinkly barnacle,” Ash said darkly. A sharp laugh fell from Haley’s mouth before she could stop it. It made Ash grin in contrast to her tone.

“You shouldn’t gossip,” Emily said, but hid a giggle behind her hand. “Mayor Lewis is a nice man who has done a lot for us.”

“But not enough for Marnie,” Ash mused, sounding regretful. “I hope he comes to his senses sooner or later. She’s a great lady.”

Haley had to admire the empathy the Farmer had for someone she hardly knew. It was… different.

Who knew it was possible for a person to care about a stranger so much?

* * *

 

Summer 26, Year 1

 

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Ash,” Alex commented. “What’s up with that? Thought you didn’t like her?”

Haley dug her feet in the sand a little further, stretching out to ensure an even tan. She shrugged.

“She’s cool.” Her response was non-committal, not wanting to admit to Alex that there was a little voice in her head that had expressed its constant desire to be around the empathetic Farmer. She had been trying to forget about that.

“I’m glad you see it,” Alex replied. “I like her. She’s nice to my grandparents.”

“She’s nice to everyone,” Haley said before she could stop herself. “It’s… kind of weird, but also nice. It must be exhausting to be that nice all the time, though.”

Alex rolled his eyes. “How would you know? Maybe she’s just a naturally nice person.”

She shrugged again, falling back into silence. Haley had turned onto her back before he spoke again.

“Do you think she likes guys?” When Haley stared at him, sliding her sunglasses down her nose for added effect, he continued, “I just… I’m not sure what’s up with her. I kind of dig the whole ‘looking like a dude but also a lady’ thing she’s got going on.”

Haley scoffed. “It’s called _androgyny_ , and I don’t know why you’d think I would know anything about her sexuality. It’s never come up, and I thought it might be rude to ask.”

“Wow, you actually thought about something before you asked?” She knew Alex was making fun of her, but it still hurt. “I thought you might know. Sorry. Been thinking of maybe asking her out or something.”

“She’s not going to go out with you.” Haley rolled her eyes. “You’re not her type.”

“Oh, so you know what her type is? You don’t know what she likes, but you know _who_ she’d like?”

“Why does it matter?” Frustrated, Haley flung sand with her feet. “I’m telling you, you don’t have a chance. Stop asking me personal questions about someone else. The answers don’t affect you.”

Alex laid back down in the sand. “Okay, okay. Easy there, girl. It was just a stupid question.”

“Yeah, it was a stupid question.” She felt stupid adding that, but she wanted to drive the point home to Alex that it didn’t matter. She felt angry for some reason. Like Ash’s personal life was too much for her to talk about.

Did Ash like women? She had no idea. The dumb voice in her head said that it hoped so, but she was quick to squash that thought. She didn’t want it to progress further.

It didn’t matter what Ash liked. Especially not to Haley.

So why couldn't she stop thinking about it?

* * *

 

Fall 17, Year 1

 

Haley was helping Ash unpack after the Stardew Valley Fair the day prior. The Farmer had been too exhausted to do so after returning from the Fair, and Haley had gotten in the habit of wandering to the farm every so often, and had offered to help on this occasion.

“So, are you and Alex like… a thing?” Ash asked. She unloaded her slightly rotted produce into a bin. “I don’t mean to pry. I’m just curious.”

Haley considered this. “Not… really. We were at one point, I think, but Alex just isn’t enough for me anymore.”

Ash just nodded, deep in thought. “Just curious,” she repeated.

She finished her work and retreated into the farmhouse, keeping the front door open. Haley took it as an invitation and joined the Farmer inside.

“Have you… met anyone you like?” Haley asked tentatively, curious as well.

Ash shrugged. “Maybe. Bit hard to do in a small town like this. I’m not sure if I’m the type of person that s- they… would be interested in.”

Haley picked up on what had sounded like the word “she” in Ash’s words. Ash was quick to correct herself, but Haley’s ears were better than that.

“The Doctor asked me out, actually,” Ash continued. “I was a bit surprised. I don’t know if I’ll go out with him, though. He’s cute, but… I mean… he’s a Doctor. He’s _the_ Doctor. It’s a little weird.”

 Haley wrinkled her nose, and felt a flash of something she hadn’t felt since the Flower Dance. Something in her brain told her this time it was _definitely_ jealousy, but she forced the thought out.

Who was she jealous of? Ash? Definitely not, Doctor Harvey was a weird old man and she was absolutely not interested.

But was she… jealous of him?

No. No, she couldn’t be. That wasn’t right.

 _Ash is a woman,_ she told herself. _You are a woman. It’s not proper. Cut it out._

“…Are you okay?”

Ash looked concerned as Haley snapped out of her internal battle. She couldn’t imagine what her face must have looked like.

“I’m fine,” Haley said. “Just… wow, I just pictured the Doctor in nothing but underwear and I think I need to bleach my brain.”

Smooth.

Ash laughed heartily. “He’s not _that_ bad, Haley. Although they probably have little airplanes on them. Oh my God. Now I have to know.”

The two women spent the afternoon gossiping and shrieking with laughter. Haley couldn’t help but think about how comfortable it was with Ash, how easy everything was.

_Stop._

She found herself shaking her head to rid the thoughts a few times.

_Stop._


	2. Chapter 2

Fall 11, Year 2

 

The next time Haley saw Ash after her wedding, it was as though nothing had changed.

Their eyes met between the aisles in Pierre’s shop. Haley froze as the corners of Ash’s brown eyes crinkled upwards into a smile. She held her breath as the mop of light hair and the tiny woman underneath came into view.

“Hi Haley,” Ash said, lugging her basket behind her. “I haven’t seen you since the wedding. How did the photos turn out?”

Haley grimaced. She had been unable to even take the memory card from her camera to look at the photos in the first place, but she couldn’t tell Ash that.

“Some of them were kind of dark,” she lied. “I might need a bit more time to edit them than we had originally agreed on.”

Ash grinned anyway. “That’s fine! I know it’s a lot of work, and it’s a lot to ask of one person. Take your time, Haley.”

She was so understanding. Haley wondered whether she would understand the real reason behind the lack of photos.

“What are you doing today?” Ash bridged the gap between conversations seamlessly, removing the anxiety Haley suddenly felt about continuing. “You should come over to the farm. Turns out Rocket is a boy, so he and Piggy had babies. I took her down to Marnie right away to make sure she’s not pregnant again, but Marnie doesn’t think she is. Thank Yoba. But you should come see the babies.”

Rocket and Piggy were Ash’s two favourite animals. The tiny lop rabbits were at first believed to be sisters. Haley was particularly fond of Rocket.

Haley shook her head. “That would be weird with Harvey there. I never know what to say to him.”

“He’s at the clinic today,” Ash replied. “It’ll be just us. We can hang out and drink wine and talk shit.”

Haley felt a pang in her chest as she considered the proposal. She didn’t think she could be around Ash too much, but desperately wanted to spend time with her.

“I… can’t today,” she replied lamely. “Maybe another time.”

Ash’s smile barely faltered. “Another time. You know where I am. Now, I’ve gotta get these home and in the ground if you’re not coming over. Seeds won’t plant themselves!”

She chuckled, reaching her hand out for Haley’s. Haley quickly tucked them in her pockets. Ash looked almost… hurt.

“See you around, Haley.”

Haley sucked her lips in as she watched Ash leave. As the door to the shop swung closed once again, Haley’s eyes fell upon her sister, standing in the shadows of the door, staring back at her.

Emily had a bad habit of knowing things about people that she had no business knowing. Haley felt uncomfortable as the brown eyes bore into her own. It made her feel like she was standing in the middle of the general store, naked, while her sister stared into her very soul.

Sometimes, Haley really hated Emily.

She speed walked out of the store and to her dismay, was followed closely by Emily. She had been planning on going home and locking herself in her room, but once inside the door of their shared home, Emily grabbed Haley and forced her into a chair in the kitchen.

“What’s going on?” Emily asked. Haley looked up as innocently as she could.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, come on.” A groan. “Why did you let her marry him?”

“Okay, now I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Ash!” Emily exploded. “You’re so clearly in love with her, you idiot, and you just _let_ Harvey marry her? You even photographed their wedding! Haley! What is wrong with you?”

Haley was stunned. “No… Emily, I… I don’t…”

Emily sighed. “Haley. I know you’re going to deny it. But I saw how you looked at her. I saw you at her wedding. I _know._ ”

“I’m not gay, Emily.” Haley was firm, even though her brain was rolling its eyes at her. “I’m not. Ash is my friend. I’m just upset… because… I don’t want… our friendship to change because she’s married. That’s it.”

“You’re an idiot,” Emily said in an uncharacteristically hollow voice. “I can’t believe you. She liked you, you know.”

“What?”

Haley’s heart stopped, and her façade slipped. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, but why would Emily lie? It was practically illegal for Emily to lie.

“She told me. She liked you so much, Haley. She just wanted to protect herself. That’s why she married Harvey. And you just _let her go_ like it meant nothing. You could never admit to yourself that you – “

Haley cut her off, harshly. “I’m not gay, Emily. I’m not like you. I’m not getting into this. I don’t like women. I’m not going to end up like you with a girlfriend in another town who I never see. That’s not how this works.”

Emily’s eyes narrowed and Haley knew she fucked up. It was a low blow to mention Sandy, for sure.

“Well, Haley, if you want to keep lying to yourself and denying who you are, that’s just fine with me.” Emily pushed Haley’s chair into the table roughly. “But don’t come crying to me when you realize that your broken heart is never going to fix itself as long and she’s married to someone else.”

* * *

 

Winter 9, Year 1

 

Haley had never expected that she might someday find herself on her back atop a small pillow of snow in the middle of the night to stargaze, but here she was.

Ash was laying beside her, their hands mere centimetres apart, and Haley could feel the body heat radiating from the other woman as they stared at the sky.

“It’s nice out tonight,” Ash commented, her breath coming out in a puff. “Not too cold. The snow isn’t wet, either. Thanks for coming over, Haley.”

Haley’s stomach flipped the same way it always did whenever Ash said her name. She wished it would stop. She knew it wouldn’t.

“Do you know any of the constellations?” Haley asked. “I wish I had listened to Maru more when she talked about them in class. I could have impressed you.”

“Oh, yeah.” Ash laughed softly. “I know the Big Dipper. That’s it. Are you impressed?”

Haley pretended to fan herself with her hand. “Be still, my beating heart.”

Ash fanned her fingers out and they brushed the tips of Haley’s. Haley sucked a breath in and hoped Ash didn’t notice that she was practically dying under the touch of the other woman.

She tried her best to ignore it, but Ash felt so warm and inviting that she couldn’t stop thinking about her hand beside hers. She couldn’t stop imagining what it would feel like if Ash full on grabbed her hand.

If Ash grabbed her hand… she would probably die of an aneurysm.

Her thoughts were halted as Ash hauled herself up onto her side to look at Haley. Haley didn’t copy her movements, but turned her head in Ash’s direction.

“Where do you think we go when we die?” Ash asked, suddenly serious. Haley let out a breathy laugh.

“Jesus Ash, that’s a bit deep, don’t you think?”

Ash inhaled through her nose. “I… looking at the stars makes me feel very existentialist. I can’t help it. But where do you think we go?”

“I don’t know,” Haley responded softly. “I’ve never thought about it.”

“I have.” Ash rolled onto her back once again, and rather than brushing her fingers to Haley’s, she folded them just below her breasts, and looked towards the sky. “I like to think we become stars too.”

Haley studied the side of her companion’s face. Ash was unreadable.

“My mom believes in reincarnation.” Haley smiled a little at the thought of her mother. “She used to tell me as a kid that if I was bad, I’d come back as a pig in Farmer Jack’s barn.”

“Gramps took great care of those pigs,” Ash replied with a laugh directed up at the sky. “We could only be so lucky to come back as one of his animals.”

“She told me that if I was good, I could be a mermaid.”

“I can see you as a mermaid.” Ash turned her head to look over at Haley. Her light hair fanned out underneath her, almost like a halo. “If you come back as a mermaid, what do I come back as?”

“A fairy princess.”

“You think I’d be a good princess?” Haley nodded. “I think I could do without all the dresses and the balls. And… yeah, most of it. And think about it. I’d be married off to some prince with no say in it. That would be hell, I think.”

“I’m sure you’d get to pick your prince, Ash,” Haley replied. “Especially if you’re a more modern princess. You could be like Kate.”

“I think I’d rather marry a mermaid, if I’m honest.”

Haley shot straight up onto her feet in choppy movements, almost falling on her face. Snow flew around her, landing on Ash.

“I… I have to go.”

Ash sat up slowly, looking up in concern and worry.

“Haley, I’m sorry – “

Haley cut her off. “I have to go.”

She ran from the farm. She felt like a coward, leaving Ash sitting in the snow like that, but she couldn’t understand what had just happened.

Ash had just flirted with her. Or, tried to. That much was certain. And Haley shut her down, even though all she wanted was for Ash to flirt with her. Tears stung her eyes as she ran towards home.

Why had she reacted so violently?

She knew. She just didn’t want her thoughts to go there.

* * *

 

Winter 19, Year 1

 

“Who did you get for the Winter Star?”

Haley was eavesdropping on Ash and Emily as they sat at the kitchen table. Haley had been strategically (and, admittedly, childishly) avoiding Ash ever since she ran from the farm. Hiding behind the bookshelf was an excellent place to listen in.

“I got Harvey,” Ash replied. Haley heard her shuffle in her seat. “He asked me on a date a while ago, but I said no, so it’s kind of awkward.”

Haley was surprised. She knew that the Doctor had asked Ash on a date, but didn’t hear anything further about it. She never would have pictured Ash saying no to someone.

_Maybe if you hadn’t stormed off the other night, you could go on a date with her._

Haley shook her head so violently, she knocked the shelf a little. She sat perfectly still to make sure she hadn’t disturbed the conversation, but Emily continued as if nothing had happened.

“Just get him a cute little model airplane.”

“Hm. I might do that.”

Haley heard next the scrape of the knitting needles that Emily and Ash were using against the table. She had never understood Emily’s knitting hobby, but when Ash declared that she wanted to get into it, Haley regretted not asking Emily to teach her first.

“How’s… how’s Haley? I haven’t seen her around lately.”

Ears perked up at the mention of her name, Haley listened harder.

“I think she’s sick,” Emily explained passively. “She’s been in her room for a few days now. I hope it’s nothing serious. I should get her to the clinic.”

Ash made a thoughtful noise. “I’m sure it’s just a cold. You know how she gets.”

Emily giggled and Haley frowned. What was that supposed to mean?

“She can be a little dramatic, that’s for sure.”

More rustling could be heard.

“Do you think Leah will like this scarf? I can’t think of anything else to get her.”

* * *

 

Winter 25, Year 1

 

Ash was, at the best of times, a little awkward. At the worst of times, she had trouble speaking.

Presenting Harvey with his gift for the Winter Star was halfway between a “worst time” and absolute hell.

She felt bad for rejecting him, she really did. And getting assigned to give him a gift for the holiday was surely punishment from the universe for not giving him a chance and spending too much time thinking about a girl who would never love her back.

She wordlessly held out the wrapped box to him as he sat at his table. Surprised, he took it.

“Oh, thank you, Ash.” His face turned a little red. “I um… I got you too.”

He reached under the table and pulled out a small gift basket.

“I know you like going in the mines,” he said, playing with his own gift as he waited for Ash to unwrap hers. “Maru told me how much energy tonic you’ve purchased this season. I thought this might help.”

Inside the gift basket was a few small vials of energy tonic and muscle remedy. Ash smiled.

“I appreciate this.”

Harvey smiled back and began to open his own gift, piling the wrapping paper neatly in front of him on the table. He held the box up when he was finished.

“Oh, Ash, this is wonderful!” He was clearly excited. “This is the last piece to my collector’s assortment for this year! Thank you!”

He stood up, absolutely glowing, and to her surprise, gathered her into a tight hug, which he appeared to regret immediately.

“Oh, uh… uh… wow, I don’t… I’m sorry…”

Ash cut him off. “It’s alright, Harvey. I hope you have a good Feast.”

They traded small smiles. She noticed, rather reluctantly, that Harvey was actually more handsome than she had initially thought.

As she returned to her seat at Jodi’s family table, she began to give him some consideration.

She had been painfully in love with Haley since the day they met, but Haley was doing her absolute best to avoid Ash after Ash had made the bold move to openly flirt with her. It had crushed Ash completely to see Haley retreat from the farm.

Maybe Harvey was a safer choice. After all, she knew Harvey was interested.

She had left the city in the first place to get away from heartbreak, and as she watched Sam shovel food into his mouth, and realized that perhaps Haley would be too much heartbreak for her to deal with this time.

* * *

 

Winter 28, Year 1

 

“Haley, you can’t enter the new year trying to pretend Ash doesn’t exist. Come on, dude.”

Alex was a real pest, and Haley wasn’t sure he knew it.

“Well, I can’t exactly… You know what? Never mind. Why do you care so much anyway?”

Alex sighed in exasperation. “Because, dummy, you’re my best friend and you’ve been moping practically all month. And I talk to Ash too, I know you’ve been avoiding her. You can’t run from all your problems.”

“I’m not running from any problems,” Haley argued. “I don’t have any problems. I just… don’t have anything to say to her.”

“You could say sorry, to start.” He rolled his eyes. “You know I love you, but you’re an idiot, and I wish you knew that.”

Haley shot him a deathly stare. “I am not.”

“Just go talk to her! I’m sick of you!”

He pushed her out the door, despite the fact that it was her house that they had been hanging out in. Without a jacket, it was absolutely freezing. Not to mention the fact that it was the dead of night.

Grumbling, but conceding that Alex was actually right on this one, she trudged to the farm, shaking from the cold.

She hoped that Ash hadn’t explained too much to Alex. Alex already seemed to know more than he should. He had a bad habit of being able to read Haley like an open book, and she hated how observant he could be sometimes.

When she arrived on Ash’s doorstep, she hesitated with her fist hovering over the door. Ash, however, seemed to sense that someone was standing outside, and yanked the door open. Haley recoiled a little in surprise.

“Haley?” Ash’s voice made her stomach do flips, as always. “Jesus, Haley, where’s your jacket? Get in here.”

A gentle hand shot out from the oversized sweater Ash was wearing and grabbed Haley’s bare arm, pulling her into the warm house. She practically sighed in satisfaction as her body began to warm back up.

“What were you doing outside?” Ash asked, pulling a blanket from the linen closet and carefully (and, as Haley hated to admit, almost sensually – as sensually as one can do this) pulled the blanket over her shoulders to help keep in body heat. “It’s below 20 degrees out there. You’re lucky you don’t have frozen snot stuck to your face. Also, it’s like… quarter to midnight, what the hell?”

Haley snickered. “Is that a regular thing for you? And I… I…  I wanted to see you.”

Ash’s face softened and her mouth melted into its usual half smile that threw Haley’s heart into a blender inside of her chest.

_Stop that._

“I’m glad,” Ash said, tightly holding her hands together as if she was worried that they would act on their own. “Do you want to stay here for New Years?”

“Well, I’m not going to go home.”

When their eyes met again, something in Ash’s expression made Haley’s insides implode. The green eyes were so full of something that she couldn’t quite place, but it intimidated her a little.

_You love her._

No. This couldn’t be happening, right now, in front of Ash. Haley was used to her thoughts at this point, but they had always kept to themselves.

_Cut it out._

“We can count down,” Ash was saying, but Haley barely heard her. “I’ve got the TV on, but we don’t have to watch it…”

Haley wasn’t listening, but Ash didn’t seem to mind. Ash never had a problem talking enough for the two of them.

Every interaction with the brunette flooded her brain and made her head spin.

_I can’t think about this here… she’s standing right there…_

Every look Ash gave her, every time their hands almost touched, every syllable of Haley’s name falling from Ash’s lips…

“It’s starting!”

Haley faintly heard voices from the TV counting down the seconds until the new year.

“TEN!”

Haley frantically searched the room for an escape, but found none. The front door was out of the question, and the bathroom was in through Ash’s bedroom.

“NINE!”

Ash grinned over at Haley, and Haley could practically count the freckles dusting her cheeks…

“EIGHT!”

She focused on the gap between Ash’s two front teeth… how she loved how cute her teeth were…

“SEVEN!”

Her eyes darted down onto Ash’s hands, long and soft fingers splayed out onto the couch, practically touching Haley…

“SIX!”

Now in her hair, the hair that Ash never ever brushed, but kept neatly cropped, lest it grow past her ears…

“FIVE!”

The green eyes, the shade exactly like the husks of the corn that Ash had taught Haley how to plant…

“FOUR!”

Haley loved how Ash never dressed to reveal her gender, always opting for neutral clothing that flattered her in her own way…

“THREE!”

Alex was right… Alex was always right…

“TWO!”

She couldn’t hold off her thoughts any longer, they all came flooding out as she sat so close to Ash on the couch…

“ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

Without thinking, her arms shot out to hold the woman beside her, bringing her face to her own to kiss her.

If her insides were exploding earlier, it was nothing compared to what they were doing right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ARE THESE FEELINGS?!  
> I wrote this in like 3 hours please forgive me
> 
> Find me over on [Tumblr!](https://emilywritesnonsense.tumblr.com/)


	3. Chapter 3

Fall 16, Year 2

 

The Stardew Valley Fair was in full swing, and although Ash had arranged her grange display perfectly, her mind was far from the produce in the box.

She was upset. She was upset about a few things, actually, and most of them were out of her control.

The first thing she was upset about was the fact that Harvey had booked himself in the clinic for Monday and Wednesday; days that any other supportive husband would have blocked off to help their wife plan for the fair. She had counted on his assistance, and ended up scrambling to collect lighter items to display as a result of finding out that he wouldn’t be around.

The second thing she was upset about was the fact that her grange display was, yet again, subpar to the one Pierre had presented. Although the least of her worries, she couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of the full arrangement her neighbour had made.

The last thing she was upset about – probably the thing she was most upset about – was the fact that she couldn’t get a certain blonde out of her head.

Haley was a constant presence in Ash’s brain, and had been for over a year. She felt guilty for thinking about someone else while with Harvey, but she had yet to figure out how to turn her thoughts off.

Speaking of the other woman, Ash couldn’t find her. She had asked Emily about it, but Emily was of no help. She simply shrugged and slunk off to her girlfriend, Sandy, in a very un-Emily fashion.

Ash didn’t want to worry, but she couldn’t help it. Haley had a flair for dramatics, and she was worried that she had upset her friend somehow.

She sucked her lips into her teeth as she remembered the lost look on Haley’s face at Pierre’s the last time she had run into her. Haley hadn’t reached out to her in that time, and it hurt. Normally, they were joined at the hip.

She glanced around the fair once more, her eyes falling on Alex. He had spent all morning at the strength tester, and looked like he was finally done. He shook out his arms as though they were made of jelly and winced.

“You okay?” Ash asked him as she approached. “I’m no doctor, but as the wife of one, it’s my unprofessional opinion that you may have overdone it.”

Alex chuckled through gritted teeth. “Yeah, I’m realizing that now. I’m not even sure why I didn’t stop while I was ahead, I’ve got no one to impress.”

“You sure? The guy working the tester didn’t seem to mind.”

Alex elbowed her (pathetically, as he could barely move his arms at this point). “Whatever, dude. Now I know for next year.”

“Except you did exactly this last year, and said the exact same thing.” Ash laughed good naturedly. “You’ll learn someday, but I doubt it’s today.”

“Laugh it up, Farmer,” Alex replied. “Don’t come crying to me when you pull something while working on the farm again.”

“You seen Haley today?” she asked, changing the subject. “I… I haven’t talked to her in a while.”

“Really?” Alex was surprised. “I haven’t either. I assumed she was with you.”

She groaned. “I swear, that girl is so hard to keep track of…”

Inside, however, her lungs began to tighten. She couldn’t explain the sudden anxiety, but knew it had something to do with not knowing Haley’s whereabouts. She didn’t want Alex to see the panic surely rising into her eyes.

“Has she been acting off lately?” Alex asked suddenly, staring right through Ash. “I can’t explain it. It’s been freaking me out, dude. I think she’s going through some shit but she won’t talk to me about it.”

Ash didn’t know what to say.

“I just… It’s weird, because she always talks to me,” Alex was saying as Ash lost herself in her thoughts. “Usually I know everything going on with her. But I don’t right now. It’s fucking me up.”

“I know.” Was all Ash could say. “It’s fucking me up too.”

* * *

 

Spring 3, Year 2

 

“You can sit there and deny how gay this is until you’re blue in the face, Haley, but the fact of the matter is that this is _super gay.”_

Haley blushed under the brush of Ash’s lips against her neck, hands trailing wildly over her body.

“I’m not saying _this_ isn’t gay,” Haley argued. “Just that _I’m_ not.”

“Sure you’re not.”

Ash wasn’t upset at Haley. She really wasn’t, even though Haley was being a total idiot. It was hard to be mad at someone while they were underneath her on the bed, making noises that she wanted to remember forever.

“I’m not.” Although she sounded resolute, the way Haley arched her back to meet Ash’s fingers said otherwise.

Ash smirked and dropped a wet kiss to Haley’s mouth. Haley, despite all her denials, met the other woman’s lips with an enthusiasm that Ash had never experienced before.

It didn’t last long, however, and Haley half-heartedly pushed Ash off.

“Ash, I came over here for a reason, you know,” she said. Her face was red and her lips were swollen. Ash’s smirk became more smug.

“Yeah. I know.”

“ _Not_ for this,” Haley replied, standing up and brushing herself off. “I… got carried away. I need to borrow your horse.”

Ash pouted, rolling on her side to lean on her arm. “Don’t try to tell me you have _business_ , Haley. You took pictures of Mr. Noodle last week, don’t think I forgot. He’s not that handsome.”

“God, I wish you had given him a more sensible name.” Haley rolled her eyes. “You have to realize that it looks ridiculous putting “Mr. Noodle” as the title of a series in my portfolio.”

“And _you_ have to realize that he just looks like a Mr. Noodle. Naming him something else would have been a crime against his species. I bet his mom would have named him that if she could talk. Besides, no animal with a sensible name ever did anything worth noting. They all had unique names. Remember Wishbone? I would have never watched that show as a kid if his name was, like, Harold or something.”

“…You are so weird. Remind me why I hang out with you, again.”

Ash cocked an eyebrow and gestured in the general direction of her breasts. “I don’t think I need to remind you, babe.”

Haley blushed and turned away from the spectacle Ash was making of herself on the bed.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” she told the other woman. “What would Harvey think?”

Ash was taken aback. “What does Harvey have to do with anything?”

“I just thought you two would be good together.” Haley was trying to be nonchalant as she spoke, but wasn’t doing a very good job. “He’s a good man, you know.”

“Jesus Haley, do I _look_ like I like men, first of all? Second, what the fuck are you talking about? I literally just had my hand down your pants, in case you forgot.”

“Ash, this is wrong.” Haley had sucked her cheeks in her mouth and stared Ash down with cold eyes.

“You didn’t seem to mind it a few minutes ago,” Ash spat back, her mind reeling in confusion. “What is going on?”

“I’m going home.” Haley left as soon as the words left her mouth, slamming the door and leaving Ash behind, her legs dangling from the bed, hurt.

“What did I do?” she asked the empty room, trying to hide her tears from the shadows the sun created on the floor.

* * *

 

Spring 5, Year 2

 

Ash’s palms were sweating, her eyes unfocused as she watched the second hand on the clock drag across the face.

“Sasha, are you alright?”

She shook her head slightly and looked in front of her at Harvey in confusion, jarred back into consciousness by the use of her full first name.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, averting his eyes. “Haven’t heard that in a while. How did you know that was my name?”

Harvey smiled slightly. “It’s in your file, Ash. You know, the one you put off asking your old doctor for so you wouldn’t have to come in for an appointment with me.”

“What? No-no that’s not… no…” She was sputtering, feeling caught. She didn’t want to admit to Harvey’s face that he was exactly right.

He chuckled, wheeling himself back to his desk to grab his stethoscope. “It’s okay. You’re here now, can’t avoid it forever. Good try though. Now, just relax and take a deep breath for me, alright? I’m just going to do a quick check up.”

She did as she was told, purposely not meeting his gaze and instead having a staring contest with the clock on the wall. The clock, of course, won, due to not having eyes. She was trying to decide if that was cheating or not when Harvey said her name once again.

“I’m all done,” he said. “You’re clear. Don’t forget sunscreen, make sure your shoes fit and are comfortable to avoid hypertension, and… that’s about it. You’re free to go. Thanks for coming in, Ash.”

She finally looked at him, at his big goofy smile, and broke.

“Hey, hey… we should… uh… like… hang out. Right? Yeah. Hang out.”

She cursed herself. She wasn’t normally this awkward. She had crossed the threshold she normally kept herself at and dove headfirst into being the worst human being possible.

Harvey was bemused. “Sure? I can show you my planes, if you want. I know that’s probably not the most exciting thing, but the one you got me for Winter Star turned out very nicely and – “

“Yes.” Ash interrupted, getting up and backing into the door. “Yes, yes. That is good. I will see you… I will see you. My… my dude.”

She cursed herself again as she exited the clinic as fast as she could before she could say anything else to embarrass herself.

* * *

 

Spring 6, Year 2

 

Alex was staring so hard that Haley could practically feel his eyes burning holes in her body.

“What?” she snapped. “You just going to stand there looking at me, or are you going to fucking say something?”

“Are you serious?” Alex asked, his voice flat. “Haley, what is your problem? You’ve been holed up in your room for two days and I don’t know what’s going on.”

“There’s nothing going on. Leave me alone.”

He rolled his eyes. “Do you think I’m stupid? Blind? I mean, yeah, maybe I’m stupid, but I have two eyes that see that something is bothering you.”

“Fuck off.”

Alex sighed heavily and loudly clomped his feet over to the bed, ripping the blanket off of Haley that she had been using as her sanctuary, and then opening the blinds to the window beside the bed.

“Is it Ash?” he asked, hands on his hips. “Did you mess that up again? Jesus Christ, Haley, get it together.”

“I said fuck OFF, Alex!” She blindly reached for the blanket on the floor, but he stepped on it to keep her from hiding herself once again. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“You love her.” Alex said suddenly, his voice accusatory. “You’re so stupid sometimes, you know that? You love her and you keep treating her like she doesn’t even matter.”

“I don’t love her.” Haley’s mouth formed a hard line and her eyes narrowed. “That’s… that’s wrong, Alex. I can’t love her.”

They locked eyes and each tried to stare the other down.

“It’s not wrong. If this is what you’re feeling, why are you trying to deny it? You’re going to lose her if you keep acting like a fucking idiot, and you’re going to regret it.”

Haley knew he was right, but she wasn’t about to tell him that.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. Please leave me alone.”

Alex looked at her one last time, his eyes full of anger and pity, before he turned around and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didnt mean to just like... not update for a month.... but here we are. I also didn't mean for this to get so dark and sad and stuff but like I think this is what I get for writing at 4 in the morning.
> 
> Find me over on [Tumblr!](https://emilywritesnonsense.tumblr.com/)


	4. Chapter 4

_Winter 1, Year 2_

“Should we have a baby, Sasha?”

Ash had been half asleep when Harvey shook her gently and whispered in her ear. She blinked, her groggy mind trying to process what he was asking, and slowly rolled over to face him.

“What?” She was unable to muster anything more dignified than that.

Harvey reached out and tenderly brushed Ash’s messy hair from her eyes. His hand rested on her cheek.

“I was wondering if… you’d like to have a baby,” he said, hesitating a little. “Completely up to you, of course, I will do anything you wish.”

Now fully aware of her surroundings, Ash blanched a little.

On one hand, Ash loved kids. Jas and Vincent jokingly called her mom all the time, and she loved spending time with them. Even in coming to terms with her own self as a teenager, she remained firm on wanting a family someday.

On the other hand, Ash wasn’t about tell Harvey, a man she had married out of an almost desperate need to not be alone, that he wasn’t the one she had planned on having children with when she moved into her grandfather’s house.

She had talked to Haley once about children. The memory felt distant and vague in her head, but Ash could never forget the flutter in her heart when Haley described her perfect family.

The memory of the flutter turned into a stab as she locked eyes with Harvey. He looked so hopeful. She felt so guilty, yet, how could she say no?

He apparently misread her silence, and his face dropped, but leaned in to kiss her forehead anyway.

“I understand,” he said quietly, his lips brushing against her skin as he kissed her again. “Maybe another time?”

“No,” she breathed. “Wait. I mean yes.”

He drew away slightly, his expression now confused. “I’m not sure what you mean, Sasha.”

“Yes, we should,” she said, breathing in sharply through her nose as she spoke. “Have a baby, I mean. Now.”

As Harvey joyfully held her that night, she could only think of Haley.

* * *

  _15 Winter, Year 1_

“Ash. I’m serious. You’re going to fall into the ocean under the weight of all those candy canes.”

Haley and Alex watched Ash in horror as she continued to stuff decorative candy canes bought at the Decoration Boat into her backpack. The merchant had somehow talked her in to buying ten of each colour, and she did so without hesitation.

“Just ask someone to help you carry them,” Haley said, exasperated, while trying not to think of the pile of gold Ash had dumped on the shop keeper’s lap before overfilling her backpack. “I’m sure if you leave them by the front of the dock, someone will help you.”

“I don’t wanna – “ _grunt “ –_ bother anyone.” Was the reply as Ash hoisted one leg up onto the dock pole to get leverage on her backpack.

“You’ll be bothering Willy when we have to wake him up to go find your body somewhere in the ocean,” Alex scolded. “That’s more of a bother than asking someone to help you.”

“Okay, _dad,”_ Ash said sarcastically, straining as she somehow zipped her backpack closed over the multitude of decorations inside. “Here.”

She thrust the backpack at Alex, who, disgruntled, dropped it right away.

“You’re going to break them,” Ash whined, watching as he tucked the backpack out of sight. “Be careful. Those are going to be my Winter Star decorations for the rest of my life.”

“Or until a cow eats them,” Haley teased. Ash stuck her tongue out at the mention of her rogue cow.

“Can we _please_ go to the mermaid tent now?” Alex impatiently tapped his foot against the dock. “I’ve been waiting all year.”

“You’ve been waiting since the beginning of Fall when Elliot told you there would be a mermaid in a seashell bra here,” Haley corrected, conceding to her friend as the three of them walked towards the attraction. “You didn’t even know she was here last year.”

“Yeah, and I feel like I missed out.”

Ash chuckled, trailing behind the two of them. She had seen the mermaid the year before, when the Night Market made a stop in Zuzu City. She _very much_ enjoyed the show.

The boathouse that housed the Mermaid was dark when they entered, lit only by soft lights aimed at the stage, lined with gleaming clam shells. There were no seats, but the floor was plush and soft under their boots.

As if their presence was sensed, the stage lit up and the curtains were pulled to the side, revealing a Mermaid with flowing blue hair and, indeed, a seashell bra. Alex audibly sucked in a breath as the Mermaid tossed her hair and began to sing.

Beside Ash, Haley watched the Mermaid’s performance in awe. She had never experienced anything quite as beautiful as what she was seeing right now. Hundreds of colours lit up the small space, catching Haley’s attention in a million different places. The melodies coming from the Mermaid’s mouth played in and out of her ears as the woman hit notes Haley could hardly imagine before now.

Beside Haley, Ash watched blue eyes dancing around the room, following the beams of light as they came from the stage. Watched a mouth opening and sitting slack in amazement. Watched blonde hair, alight with a new pallet, ripple as the body below it swayed with the music. She reached her hand out in the darkness, blindly searching for the smaller one that set her stomach on fire.

When the two hands found each other, Haley snapped her head over to meet Ash’s eyes, her dazed expression not faltering as the music stopped, and the Mermaid once again went behind the curtain.

Alex whistled, breaking the spell that had formed between his two companions.

“I’d better go,” he said, his voice thick as he sidled quickly to the door. “Gotta… gotta go home…”

Haley snorted as he all but ran out. Ash grinned.

“Do you want to see something amazing?” she asked the blonde. “I know the Mermaid is a tough act to follow, but…”

She trailed off and approached the clam encrusted stage. She could barely remember the sequence that was taught to her in what felt like a life a million miles away, but when the last clam gave way to an enormous, shimmering pearl, she felt triumphant.

She presented the pearl to Haley, whose eyes were almost as big as the jewel in front of her.

“Here,” she said in the absence of anything from Haley. “They hide these for people who stick around after the show.”

Haley held out her hand for Ash to drop the pearl in it. “You’re giving this to me?”

“Well, yeah,” Ash said, tucking a section of blonde hair behind Haley’s ear. “Just in case I don’t get you for Winter Star. It’s beautiful, like you.”

Despite all the colours Ash had seen that night, the shade of Haley’s blush was the most radiant one.

* * *

 

_Somewhere, sometime, in Zuzu City…_

Ash was nineteen, standing outside of the bar, trying to get the courage to go in.

“Never been to a gay bar before, honey?”

The voice beside her snapped her back into reality. It belonged to a tall, beautiful woman with dark skin and light hair. Her body was covered in tattoos that looked like they all told a story.

“I… It’s my birthday today,” Ash explained. “I’m finally old enough to go in.”

The woman laughed, a throaty peel that lifted the corners of Ash’s mouth. “Never stopped me, kid. Come with me, I’ll show you around.”

Ash doubted that there was too much to show her, but she accepted the woman’s arm regardless as she led the way inside the bar. The music, while loud outside, drilled holes into Ash’s head as it pounded through the speakers all over the wall. It was dark, but there was no absence of lights floating around with different colours, reaching into every corner.

That had been the first time Ash met Emerald, and it was far from the last time Emerald would thrust Ash into her world of loud music, blinding lights, and whatever else she was into at the time.

When they parted ways that night, Ash dreamed of marrying Emerald someday. Her life would be an eternal party.

Emerald had been the reason that Ash dug through her father’s old trunk in frustration one night, finding the letter from her grandfather in amongst the old Farmer’s items.

She packed her bags that night, trying to push away thoughts of Emerald kissing literally every other person she came upon, almost every night.

Emerald had given Ash a lot to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite as much as I'd like, but I wrote this to distract myself from the fact that I have to go to the dentist but now that I'm posting it I'm like UUUUUUUGGGHHHHHH I HAVE TO GO TO THE DENTIST NOW
> 
> Hope you like it! As always, find me over on [Tumblr!](https://emilywritesnonsense.tumblr.com/)


	5. Chapter 5

_Winter 8, Year 2_

Ash was curled up under a heavy blanket in bed, reading, when Harvey joined her. His expression was unreadable.

“Can we talk, Sasha?” he asked. Ash set her book down.

“Of course.”

Harvey squirmed around in the bed, trying to get comfortable, before speaking again, regarding Ash with concern in his brown eyes.

“I haven’t seen Haley around much lately.”

Despite the rolling sensation in the pit of her stomach she felt at his words, Ash curled her lips into a tight smile, trying not to let her emotions betray her.

“I think we had a fight. I don’t really know. Haley is dramatic, you know that. It’s probably nothing. I’m just waiting to hear back from her, I don’t want to suffocate her with my friendship.”

Harvey merely nodded for a moment. He was beginning to look uncomfortable.

“I know you love her – “

Ash cut him off. “Yeah, she’s my best friend. Of course I love her.”

“No, Ash. Let me rephrase that. I know you’re _in_ love with her, so I appreciate that this is probably difficult for you to not hear from her.”

Ash didn’t know what else to say, so she played dumb.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about! You’re funny, Harvey. Totally haven’t heard _that_ one before.”

Harvey chuckled. “It’s okay. Really. I’ve known for a while, and I’ve also known the struggles you’ve been facing with her. Believe me, I understand.”

Ash’s stomach was beginning to contract with a dreadful feeling. What did Harvey know?

Too many thoughts started falling through her brain, which decided that the best course of action now was to burst into tears.

Harvey immediately switched into Doctor-Husband mode, and immediately shifted in the bed to envelope Ash in his arms. She sobbed unintelligibly into his shoulder as he rubbed her back and kissed her forehead.

“She will never love me back,” she wailed, her words muffled by Harvey’s chest. “I don’t know what to do, Harvey. I’m so sorry.”

Harvey held Ash out at arms length, and through her tear filled eyes, she could see his comforting smile. It made things worse.

“Don’t be sorry,” he said soothingly. He then pushed her lightly so she fell back against her pillows and tucked the blanket up under her chin. “It’s not your fault. Love… being in love with someone tends to present unique challenges that we just have to overcome. It’s part of life, we can’t stop it. I know what you’re going through with Haley. She’s having a hard time accepting the nature of your relationship. That sort of thing happens when you live your whole life in a small village such as this.”

Ash sniffed. “You sound like you know what you’re talking about.”

Harvey sighed, laying back against his own pillows.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course.” Ash laughed. “I’m your wife, Harvey, you can tell me anything.”

He sighed again. “Sasha, I would be lying to you if I said I didn’t feel love for you. But truthfully, I’m in the exact same situation as you are right now. Someone I’ve been deeply in love with for quite some time now is… being… difficult. And has been the entire time.”

Ash, suddenly devoid of thoughts of self pity for the moment, sat straight up with interest.

“Who is it?”

“I don’t want to say. I need to protect patient confidentiality.”

She regarded him with narrowed eyes, and he shrunk a little under his gaze.

“Don’t be coy with me, Harvey Fairchild,” she scolded. “Tell me who it is. Tell me or I’ll… I’ll tickle you.”

“Please don’t do that.”

“I’ll tickle you.” She reached her hands out and flexed her fingers to show him she wasn’t playing around. “I’ll tickle you so hard.”

Harvey held out until Ash was mere centimeters away from his torso before he relented, scooting out of her reach.

“Fine! Fine. It’s… Elliott.”

Ash was about to express her surprise, before she realized that suddenly a lot of things made sense.

“So… when Elliott goes to see you, like, once a week, it’s not for a check up, it’s so you can – “

Harvey put his hand up to cut her off. “Alright, Sasha. Let’s not be crass about this. But yes. Elliott is in near perfect health, if he would just get more exercise. The nature of his appointments is… personal, yes.”

“… So I’ve just been your beard this whole time?”

“In my defence, I was also _your_ beard.”

“You got me there. But… why were you so into this?”

“I wanted you to figure things out on your own.” Both of them were now rested against their respective piles of pillows, and Harvey reached for Ash’s hand. “I saw you and Haley happening from a mile away, and I also saw the reaction. People here love you, there’s no question about that, but I know what they’re like. And I speak to Emily fairly regularly. I know how Haley was taking this.”

Ash’s mind was racing. “She always told me what we were doing was… wrong. Even though it never was.”

Harvey now put his arm around her and she cuddled into his side.

“I experienced much of the same thing,” he said. “You might not think this by looking at him, but Elliott is from a small town similar to this. He carries many of the attitudes. Everything is okay in private, but he doesn’t even look at me in public. It’s exceptionally difficult.”

“All I can do is think about her,” Ash admitted. “It doesn’t go away. But she doesn’t _want_ me. How do I deal with this?”

Harvey kissed her head once again. “You take every day as it comes. I don’t know about you, but it’s helped immensely to get this all out in the open.”

“Yeah. Thank you for being honest with me, Harvey. And if you’d like to continue that honesty, I have some questions about Elliott’s – “

He didn’t let her finish. “Nope. Goodnight, Sasha.”

* * *

 

_Spring 4, Year 3_

Haley heard Ash before she saw her.

She was, as she always seemed to be when she ran into Ash lately, skulking in the back aisles of Pierre’s, pretending to know what Emily had sent her in there for. The shop bell rang, and Pierre spoke first.

“Farmer Ash! It’s been a while!”

Haley froze and nearly dropped the box of quinoa she had been trying to decipher. She had barely even caught glimpses of Ash all winter, and whenever she saw the mop of brown hair, she bolted in the opposite direction.

The bad news about this was that she had to answer to Emily and Alex both whenever this happened. The good news was that she was getting excellent at deflecting and denying what they were trying to tell her. She could tell that they were both getting close to the point of giving up.

“It was a bit of a quiet winter,” Ash’s voice said. “We made quite a few artisan products, though. I’m looking forward to teaching Harvey how to help around the farm!”

Haley pulled a face at the mention of Ash’s husband, but quickly switched back to a neutral expression once she realized she was doing it. She didn’t know where Caroline was, and she much rathered the idea of avoiding those beady eyes.

“Well it, uh. It looks like you’ll need it!” Pierre chuckled awkwardly. Haley frowned.

What did he mean by that? Was Ash buying too many seeds again?

“For the love of Yoba dad…” Abigail’s low voice now joined the two others. “You have no social awareness, do you? Pretty obvious she needs the help.”

Haley was now even more confused. She had, by now, abandoned pretending to look for her sister’s dinner and focused entirely on eavesdropping.

“Well, Abigail, I’m not going to come right out and… you know… point at it.”

“You might as well have!”

An exasperated sigh came from the other end of the room where Haley had last seen Caroline. Footsteps made their way over to the counter.

“The two of you need to shut up before I knock your heads together.” It was definitely Caroline. “You’ll have to excuse my family, Ash, neither one of them were socialized properly as children. You ever wonder why I never take them out anywhere nice? Anyway. Congratulations, honey.”

Congratulations? What for? Haley wanted desperately to peek around the shelf, but didn’t want to get caught.

“It’s no problem, Caroline, they’re endearing in their own way.” Ash chuckled and the rustling noise that followed sounded like she was embracing the three of them. “And thank you. We’ve tried hard to keep a lid on this over the winter, but it’s getting harder to hide. Can’t put a jacket on in nice weather like this!”

Cogs were turning in Haley’s head. She could tell she was missing something incredibly obvious, but for whatever reason, she couldn’t figure it out.

“If you need anything, please let me know.” Caroline’s tone was soft, motherly. “I would say you’ve probably got everything you need, being married to the town doctor though! Do you know what you’re having?”

Pieces started to click together for Haley, and she really didn’t like the conclusion she was coming to. She prayed as hard as she could that she was wrong.

“We just found out last week.” Ash’s voice made it obvious she was smiling. “It’s a girl.”

Time stopped for Haley. She could hardly believe the words that were coming out around her. Her chest ached.

She didn’t really notice when she fell over, but she definitely noticed when the trajectory of her fall took down and entire shelf.

Pierre quickly made his way over and pulled her up. He fussed over her, making sure she was okay, before turning to his goods on the floor.

“I forgot you were over there, Haley!” Caroline said, fussing as well. “You were so quiet! Are you okay?”

Haley had been avoiding looking at Ash, and instead looked at Abigail, who herself looked like she had seen a ghost.

“Yup, I’m fine. I guess… I guess this is just what happens when all Emily feeds me is quinoa! Ha ha! Sorry about your store, Pierre…”

Pierre waved her off, and she turned to leave. Something stopped her.

Ash’s hand was on her arm. Despite what she wanted to do in that moment, she looked up to meet the worried green eyes.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Haley?” Ash asked. She stared at Haley as though she wanted to do more than just touch her arm. As though she would rather be holding her, comforting her, after destroying half a store.

“Ash, it’s fine. I’m fine.” Haley answered before she looked down. Ash was wearing a sweater, sure, but it didn’t hide the small bump that had been growing while concealed beneath a winter jacket.

Haley was not fine, but she definitely wasn’t going to admit that to Ash.

She shook off the hand and left the store. She should have known better, however, than to expect Ash not to follow her.

“Haley!” she called. Haley gritted her teeth, but stopped in the middle of the town square.

“What do you want?” she asked rudely. She wanted this over as quickly as possible so she could go home and process this new heartbreak.

“I know what you’re thinking – “ Ash started, but Haley cut her off.

“You don’t know what I’m thinking. You never did. Stop assuming things about me to fit what you want from me. I haven’t seen you all winter!”

It was Ash’s turn to interject. “You avoided me. You avoided me _every time_. Do you think I didn’t notice you fucking _running away_? Haley, I’ve literally never seen you run before. Why did you think that wouldn’t stick out in my head? What did I do to you that you would run away from me? Ever since the wedding, Haley, you’ve acted like a stranger. What did I do?”

“It seems you’ve been busy,” Haley replied coolly, ignoring the question completely. “Didn’t think you needed me.”

Ash looked like she was close to tears. “This isn’t what you think. I haven’t had a chance to explain.”

“Explain what? That you do what married couples do and now you’re stuck with… this?” She gestured to Ash’s stomach. “No, I’m happy for you Ash. I’m happy that you’re finally _normal_ and not delusional anymore.”

Ash’s expression turned to that of a kicked puppy. “What?”

Haley had regretted the words as soon as she said them, but she was in too deep now. The part of her brain conditioned by what she had forced herself to believe was taking over, knocking over the part of her brain that was screaming at her for hurting Ash. Perhaps if she could push Ash away, she could also push that other half of her brain out.

“All a woman should ever want is to marry a man and have lots of babies,” she recited, remembering what her grandmother used to say to her. “I’m happy you’re finally going down that path.”

She forced herself not to notice the tears running down Ash’s face at this point.

“Haley…” she said weakly, a hand ghosting over her stomach as though she was trying to cover the ears growing inside. “Haley, what about…”

Before she could finish, Haley held up a hand. “Don’t, Ash. We both know it was a rough time for both of us. You’re living the dream now, and as your _friend_ , I have never been more proud.”

She didn’t stick around to see Ash’s reaction. She continued home, ignoring the sobs coming from behind her.

A few blissful hours of solitude were ended when Emily angrily threw open the door. Haley was shocked when she did the same to her bedroom door.

Her sister never got angry. Never. But she was angry now.

“You’ve done a lot of fucking stupid things before, Haley, but this is the _worst_ thing you could ever do.”

Emily’s eyes were barely open, and her face was red. Haley was a bit frightened.

“I don’t know how you live with yourself,” Emily continued. “Stringing Ash along like that. I _know_ you know how much you were in love with her, and how much she was in love with you. How could you do this to her? What is _wrong_ with you?”

Haley said nothing. Emily kept going.

“You disgust me. It’s one thing to deny your feelings. It’s one thing to be confused about loving another woman. But what you did to Ash today is unforgivable. I don’t know what’s going through your head right now to have done this to someone you love, but I can’t stand by this. Get out.”

This had Haley finally answering. “Excuse me?”

“Get out,” Emily repeated. “I will not tolerate this… homophobic, self-loathing, bigoted _bullshit_. And I know mom and dad won’t either. So make this easier on yourself, and just leave now.”

“And where am I supposed to go?” Haley retorted.

“I don’t care. Go somewhere, and think about the fucking _monster_ you’ve suddenly become. It’s not a crime to love another woman. Sort your shit out.”

With that, she slammed the door on her sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 70 kudos??? You guys ;_; You're so amazing for sticking with me through this story. I hope this chapter made sense! I wrote it all at once, on a bit of a whim, based on a weird dream I had about this story. Don't even remember what happened in it, but this is the product.   
> As always, you can find me over on [my Tumblr](https://emilywritesnonsense.tumblr.com/) if you'd like to chat or request a story :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: pretty sure none of this makes any fucking sense so you'll probably lose brain cells reading it

_Winter 1, Year 1_

Ash hadn’t been prepared for the fact that the Valley would be completely buried under snow on the very first day of Winter.

She threw open her door that morning to see if she could salvage anything from her Fall crops, but the thick blanket of white on the ground shocked her. So, she did the only thing she could think of doing, and called Haley.

Haley arrived, giggling at the shivering farmer, herself bundled up with several layers, a hat, boots, and mittens.

“Didn’t you watch the weather forecast?” she asked, approaching Ash and throwing a scarf around her neck. Ash didn’t have any winter gear, and she was freezing under her cardigan. “They specifically said that we’d be getting a ton of snow overnight.”

“Haley, you know I only watch Queen of Sauce,” Ash replied, rubbing her hands together to try to warm them. “TV is bad for you.”

Haley rolled her eyes. “Sure, Ash. And standing outside in the snow and the cold in nothing but a cardigan and jeans is _so_ much better.”

They continued to playfully bicker as they checked on the farm animals and went inside to light a fire. Conversation came naturally between them, and quickly turned personal. Ash wasn’t sure how they arrived on the topic of children, but she didn’t mind.

“I think my parents would both die of shock if I didn’t have at least one kid,” Ash said. Her feet dangled lazily over the arm of the couch near the fire, warming up her frozen toes. “I love kids.”

“What would you name them?” Haley asked. “I’d probably name one after my grandmother, and one after my grandfather. Olivia and Charles. My other grandparents didn’t give me as much candy as a child, so they’re not getting first name privileges.”

Ash laughed. “Probably something traditionally Eastern European. My family is Ukrainian, Sasha is Russian or something. I’ve never given boy names much thought, but I like Anastasia or Hana for girls.”

“Those are nice. You’ll be a good mom, Ash.”

Ash lazily looked over at Haley sitting on the floor and smiled. “I know.”

* * *

 

_Spring 8, Year 3_

 

Haley didn’t know where else to go after Emily told her to leave, so after packing some things, she tried a few places around town.

First she tried the old community centre that had been restored by Ash. There were couches there, so she thought it would be easy. However, no matter how nicely the centre had cleaned up, it was still undeniably creepy at night. She heard chittering all night long, and couldn’t place the source of the noise. She barely slept, and decided to go elsewhere.

Her next thought was the spa up the mountain, but she lasted all of twenty minutes in the residual humidity from the bath that came into even the locker room before she couldn’t take it anymore.

She eventually settled on breaking into Harvey’s clinic after he had left for home that night and staying in the vacant apartment upstairs. She knew that all of his things were still up there, just in case he needed to stay overnight for surgery or anything.

It felt weird being in the apartment after what had happened with Ash and Emily and even Harvey himself. It was, after all, technically Harvey’s fault that she was up here in the first place.

_Actually, it’s your own fault, idiot._

A nasty voice that sounded like a weird mix of Emily and Alex nagged at the back of her head, and had been for the past few days. And just like the real Emily and Alex, she had gotten rather adept at ignoring it.

She settled in Harvey’s bed that night, trying not to think about the fact that the last person who had laid in the bed was now laying in the bed that she really wanted to be in.

Not that she would let herself admit that.

She was startled awake the next morning by Maru’s voice floating up into the apartment.

“…Think I forgot to lock the door last night. Don’t tell Harvey, he’ll kill me.”

She felt guilty for making Maru think that the unlocked door was her fault. In reality, Haley had forgotten after she picked the lock.

It was Penny that Maru was talking to – their idle conversation before Harvey arrived and Penny started school lulled Haley back into a half sleep. The two friends gossiped about Sam and Sebastian, talked about Jas and Vincent’s progress in school, and giggled about something Robin did accidentally with a hammer. Haley wasn’t really paying attention.

Her ears perked up a little when Harvey bustled in, ready to pounce under the bed or in the closet the second she heard his footsteps coming up the stairs. She had already hidden her belongings, and the apartment looked almost exactly as it had when she came in.

She listened to Harvey tell Maru that she could go home. Maru was confused, but did as she was told. Haley panicked a little, but dove under the bed just in time for Harvey to come in.

She watched his feet settle in, listened to him breathe a sigh of relief when the door to the clinic closed behind Maru. He sat down at the table that housed his model planes and didn’t appear to do anything for a while. Haley’s arm fell asleep.

She was beginning to doze off when the front door to the apartment creaked open, and light footsteps wandered in.

“You sent Maru home early.” Haley frowned in confusion as Elliott’s voice came from above the bed.

“Of course I did. Do you think I wanted to be overheard?”

Haley was now wide awake and shamelessly eavesdropping. Since when did Elliott and Harvey even interact?

“Overheard?” Elliott’s tone was almost that of a seductive purr. “Overheard doing what?”

“My wife is going to have a baby soon,” Harvey said plainly. Elliott had been advancing upon him, but stopped in his tracks. “We need to stop.”

Haley, now completely enraptured, turned onto her back soundlessly so she could see the scene unfolding. Although upside down, she could see Harvey’s stony expression and Elliott’s confused one.

“My darling, you don’t even love her.” Elliott scowled. “I thought that perhaps we were going to be able to get over this whole baby business.”

A record scratched inside Haley’s head. Harvey didn’t love Ash? What the fuck was going on?

“I never said I didn’t love her.” The doctor rested an arm upon his desk and shoved his face into his palm. “You came to that conclusion yourself. And, really Elliott, what did you think would happen? It’s _my_ baby. _My_ family.”

Elliott scoffed, dropping the façade of a flowery writer and adopting something harsher, unlike Elliott completely. “I was here first. You were _mine_ first, Harvey, don’t forget that.”

“Is that right? Does it really count if it was all in secret, though? Because I don’t think it does. No one can attest to your little assertation that I was yours first when you wouldn’t even go with me to the stupid Moonlight Jellies.”

Haley had to stifle a gasp. Elliott’s face darkened.

“You know how people talk.”

“And that shouldn’t matter!” Harvey’s face was beginning to turn red. “Why would I want to stay with you now that I have a wife and a daughter coming? A wife that, may I remind you, _goes to town events with me.”_

“Is that what you want?” Elliott threw his arms up. “Fine. Let me abandon every single belief I hold dear to myself and dance with you at the Flower Dance. Let’s be Flower Kings together. Let me write and dedicate a poem for you professing my love.”

Harvey sighed loudly. Haley began to feel guilty.

Is this what Ash was going through? What _she_ was putting Ash through?

“I wanted it a long time ago.” Harvey was quiet. “Things could have been so different for us, Elliott.”

Harvey had obviously made Elliott angry, as he wasn’t backing down.

“Yes, well, they’re not, and now they’re not going to be, thanks to your little attempt at playing the perfect little family.”

“Ash is going through the same thing,” Harvey croaked. “And she knows about you and I. This family is because we’re two broken people who fell in love with the wrong person. You only have yourself to blame.”

Haley’s heart began to break. Seeing the hurt on Harvey’s face was somehow worse than seeing the hurt on Ash’s face.

She began to see what she had created. What she had contributed to. Perhaps if her views weren’t the way that they were, she and Ash could have been happy together. Perhaps even Elliott and Harvey could have been happy together if only she had been a little more open and honest with herself.

Elliott and Harvey began a staring match that Haley couldn’t look away from, until Harvey’s phone began to buzz.

“It’s Ash,” he said curtly. “I’m going to take this.”

He answered and all that could be heard was a wail on the other side. He immediately sat up.

“Sasha? Is everything alright?”

Another wail. Haley’s heart stopped as she realized it sounded like Ash was in pain. Ash never made noises like this. Harvey explained that he was going to send someone over to the house to collect Ash and bring her to the clinic. He disconnected the call and looked coldly at Elliott.

“I have to attend to my wife now. You can leave.”

Elliott looked shocked and didn’t move as Harvey placed a call next door to Pierre, still regarding the other man with the same cold expression.

Harvey left the apartment quickly, and Elliott soon followed, albeit slowly and still in mild shock. Haley waited until she could hear voices before she snuck down the stairs to peer into the exam room. She couldn’t see anything, but noticed movement behind the last screen, so as quietly as she could, she snuck out the door and bolted behind the first screen, allowing her a lopsided view of Ash sweating buckets in a hospital bed, her face red and streaked with tears.

Maru was back, manning the ultrasound machine, dragging the probe across Ash’s exposed stomach. She was frowning, a sight that Haley really didn’t like to see.

“I can’t hear anything, Harvey,” the nurse said to the doctor, her tone bitten with worry and fear. “I can’t hear her heart.”

Harvey was white as a ghost, but took over the machine with expert hands, gently probing his wife himself.

“…I can’t either.”

“What does that mean?” Ash was close to screaming. She looked wildly from Harvey to Maru, causing her hair to fall in her eyes. “Harvey, what does that mean?”

Harvey said nothing, but continued to try to locate the heartbeat, getting more frantic by the second.

With the doctor seemingly out of commission, Maru straightened her nurse’s cap and took charge.

“We’re going to have to induce you, Ash,” she said with a surprisingly steady voice. Although feeling like she was about to pass out from worry, Haley was impressed with what was happening.

Ash, predictably, panicked. “I’m only twenty eight weeks, Maru! The baby… the baby might die!”

Maru was determined. “Twenty eight weeks is plenty. Besides, miracles happen in Pelican Town. We’ll take care of you.”

Ash breathed a sigh that sounded more like a yelp, and cast her eyes around the room.

Somehow, as Haley reasonably should have expected, the green eyes of the brunette on the bed met her blue ones, and Haley could have sworn that Ash relaxed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ohhhhhh shiiiiittttttttt!!!
> 
> Don't forget to visit me on [Tumblr!](https://emilywritesnonsense.tumblr.com/) There's pictures of my new puppy on there!


	7. Chapter 7

_Spring 24, Year 3_

 

Haley avoided being in town for weeks after Ash gave birth.

She ran home to Emily as soon as the baby was safely born, having to sneak back upstairs and climb out a back window to get out without being seen. Emily, a bit surprised, let Haley in anyway, as her sister hurriedly explained what had happened.

The baby was tiny and very red, but screamed louder than Haley had ever heard a baby scream. Ash and Harvey both sobbed as Maru cleaned the baby up and handed her over to the new parents. It felt like too intimate a moment to be witnessing, but Haley couldn’t look away.

Ash met her eyes at some point, and she smiled a small smile that was meant for no one else in the world.

Word got back to Haley that they named the baby Josephine, after Harvey’s mother. She watched herself in the mirror as she said it, letting it become natural to hear. She liked it.

She couldn’t, however, avoid leaving her house forever. The Flower Dance crept up on the town and she found herself staring at her reflection in her white gown the morning of while Emily made alterations.

“I wonder if Ash will bring the baby,” she said, snapping Haley out of a distant world. “I can’t wait to see her. Babies are so cute, don’t you think?”

“Mm.”

“It will be nice to see Ash again, too.” Emily was being coy; trying to get some sort of reaction from Haley, but Haley saw right through her sister.

“It’s been a while.” Haley wasn’t about to give in, not now.

Idle conversation continued until Emily was finished, and soon they set off together towards the field to the Dance. A small group was congregated in the middle of the open field, with Ash in the middle. Haley couldn’t see past Jodi’s head, but she had a strong suspicion that the baby was the cause of commotion.

Ash herself was hardly recognizable. Her hair had grown past her ears and it looked like she had actually brushed it that morning. Her cheeks were full and rosy, and her eyes had a new light in them.

“She looks really good,” Emily commented earnestly in her sisters’ ear as they approached. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen her so happy.”

Haley wanted to point out all the times she had seen Ash as happy as she was in that moment, but she refrained. It had been a different kind of happy, she supposed. This happy was more wholesome, of course.

Robin moved out of the way to make room for Haley and Emily to see the baby. Ash had her cradled in her arms, and curious little baby blue eyes stared up at the new strangers as they leaned in.

“Hi, girls,” Ash said happily. Emily stuck her finger into the tiny palm of Josephine, who grabbed it immediately. “This is Josie.”

Emily soon became lost in her own world that consisted only of the baby held in front of her. Haley smiled at her sister.

“She loves babies,” she explained to Ash. “This is the highlight of her spring.”

Ash laughed lightly. “I’m glad I could spread a little joy. Em, do you want to hold her? She’s starting to get heavy and my arm is falling asleep.”

Emily looked at Ash in amazement, sticking out her arms to receive the baby eagerly. She began to wander in circles while making baby noises.

“I’ve been meaning to stop by,” Ash said, now talking solely to Haley. The crowd of admirers moved to surround Emily now as though in a trance. “I know that no one really gets to see babies often. We can talk now.”

Haley blanched. She wasn’t expecting this to happen. “What do we need to talk about?”

“Everything.” Ash shrugged. “I haven’t seen you in a while. I’ve missed you.”

“I was thinking the same thing.”

“You can say that you miss me too, you know, no one is going to hear it.”

Haley paused, and Ash frowned.

“You can’t tell me that after all this time, after everything, that you’re still scared to tell me how you feel. Please don’t tell me that.”

Haley still said nothing. They were now effectively alone at the side of the field while everyone else was distracted, and Haley still couldn’t find the courage to tell Ash about the butterflies in her stomach, or about the way she couldn’t keep her eyes off her, or anything else she desperately thought in the back of her head but couldn’t even admit to herself.

“Haley.” Ash’s voice made Haley look up to meet her eyes. Green bored into blue as Ash spoke. “I know how I feel. I can’t stop thinking about you. And I know you haven’t stopped thinking about me.”

Haley couldn’t bring herself to speak, so Ash continued.

“I know it’s not what you’re used to. But I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you to be ready. For as long as you need me to.”

Ash looked at Haley’s hand held at her side as though she wanted to reach out, but seemed to decide against it. Their eyes met again.

“I mean it,” Ash said, and after a moment’s pause, walked back to the cooing crowd.

* * *

 

_Summer 1, Year 4_

 

Haley hadn’t talked to Ash since that day at the Flower Dance. Ash had been hesitant to push things, as pushing things with Haley usually led to a falling out, something Ash was keen to avoid.

She hadn’t expected much from the blonde, but radio silence was far from what she had in mind. Sharing little more than stolen glances and little waves with each other in the year that had passed was not sitting well, given the gravity of the situation. She busied herself with her farm and her family, and once Josephine’s first birthday had passed, she began to open herself up to the possibility that she was nothing but a minor blip in Haley’s life.

Things in the valley progressed normally otherwise. Pierre began to do business on Wednesdays after the JojaMart in town closed, Pam was able to get the bus to the desert to run again (much to Emily’s delight), and Robin rebuilt the bridge to the rock quarry for Clint to be able to find gems and mine ore.

Harvey had taken to farming much more quickly than Ash had anticipated. He was a surprisingly adept helper, and the farm was flourishing. As time went on, she found herself appreciating him more and more. Harvey had also thrown himself entirely into their family dynamic. Ash hadn’t seen Elliott anywhere near her husband since the baby was born – he had even missed his scheduled annual checkup.

Ash had appeared to have everything in order in her head, until the day Haley showed up at her door.

Harvey was at the clinic, and Jodi had gleefully taken over responsibility of Josephine for the day, so Ash was enjoying what she had thought was going to be a quiet day until the small knock came. She was surprised to see the blonde at the door, but couldn’t keep the smile off her face when she opened the door wider to invite her in.

“Hi!” she exclaimed, slightly flustered. Haley’s expression stayed blank. “Haven’t seen you in a while. Do you want to come in?”

Haley’s eyes began to dart around, falling everywhere but on Ash. “Actually, I was hoping we could go for a walk. Down to the lake by Marnie’s.”

Ash quickly put on the closest pair of shoes to scramble out the door. “Yeah, yeah of course.”

The two of them walked silently down the path that Ash had crafted leading to Marnie’s Ranch, passing the large fields of melons and cabbage in various states of growth. Ash stole a few glances at her companion, silently hoping the other would compliment her farm, but the smaller woman said nothing and kept her eyes dead ahead.

After what felt like forever, they reached the dock leading to the lake. Haley sat down near the edge, and Ash did the same, taking off her shoes to dip in the cool water. The day wasn’t overly hot, but it was still early. It smelled like lazy flowers were floating through the air – Ash knew the scent was coming from Haley but didn’t like to admit to herself that she had memorized her scent like that.

Haley took a deep breath, still not looking at Ash. She didn’t say anything right away, and Ash couldn’t just sit there in silence.

“What’s been going on with you?” she asked, splashing the water around with her feet. “It’s been so long.”

“A whole year.” Haley’s voice was tight for some reason, as though she had to force herself painfully to continue the conversation. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. You gave me a lot of things to think about, too.”

Ash dared a glance over beside her. Haley was looking at her folded hands in her lap, leaning away from Ash slightly.

That hurt a bit.

“Oh yeah?”

Haley took a deep breath. “Ash, I can’t be with you. I could never be with you. I’m sorry if I made you think that we could be together, but I can’t.”

That hurt a lot more than Ash was expecting.

She thought that perhaps she was finally beginning to move on from Haley, but clearly from the tearing she felt in her chest, she was not. She had to fight to keep her voice from cracking when she spoke next.

“Why not?”

Her fight proved fruitless. Her voice came out small and broken, exactly the opposite of what she had intended on. _Shit_.

Haley began flexing her fingers back and forth, as if in attempt to keep them busy. She still was apparently refusing to look over at Ash, something that was not lost on her.

“I just can’t, okay? Please accept that. Things don’t always work out the way we want them to. No matter what you want, Ash, I can’t be like you. I just want to be normal and forget all of this.”

Ash frowned, swallowing the lump in her throat before she spoke. “What do you mean normal? Haley, there’s nothing abnormal about us. There’s nothing wrong with us. It is how it is, we can’t stop it. I know you want to sit there and pretend like you don’t care about me –"

Haley cut her off. “Ash, _I cannot care about you_. I can’t love you like you love me. Please listen to me. Stop telling me it’s normal. It’s not normal. _At all_. End of discussion. What you have at home, with Harvey, that’s normal. Josephine is normal. You and I? That isn’t normal.”

Ash wanted to start crying, but knew it wouldn’t help her case in the slightest, so she did her best not to, and instead, gave in.

“I’ve had a year to think about this, you know,” she said, now not caring how crackly her voice was becoming. “I can’t believe you’ve had a year to get your shit together, and this is the conclusion you come to. I’ll see you around, Haley.”

She withdrew her feet from the water and picked up her shoes. She had hoped that perhaps Haley would ask her to stay but had no such luck.

She walked back to the farm, alone, holding back tears.

It was painful to Ash that the entire year that she had been left wondering had boiled down to one short conversation where Haley didn’t even look at her. It was painful that she had waited an entire year just to have her heart broken, but she supposed there wasn’t much she could do.

She could go home to her husband and daughter, and spend time thinking about them instead.

She could remember Haley and all that the blonde had taught her about herself. Perhaps, it just wasn't their time. Perhaps eventually Haley would come around, but as Ash reflected on her words, she began to wonder whether it would even be worth it anymore. 

Haley put so much effort into her appearances, both her physical appearance and her social appearance. But, as much as she loved to argue that in a small town, such things would bring about scandal, Ash couldn't make herself see it that way.

She thought of everyone who lived in the town, in the close knit community that she had come to think of as family. She could hardly picture any of them thinking any different of their beloved farmer just for being with the bubblegum blonde of the town. 

Perhaps, Ash thought, Haley would just have to live with her own misery. 

Thinking about that made Ash's heart ache just a little more. 

* * *

 

_Summer 2, Year 4_

 

_Dear Diary,_

 

_I wish I knew why I think the way I do. I wish I could just let myself think about Ash. I know we could make each other happy, but I can't bear the thought for some reason. Why can't I just have a brain that's wired the same as Penny's or Abigail's? Even Leah's would do at this point._

_I had to do what I thought was best. I can't be friends with her anymore. I wish things were different, but I don't want to think about myself that way. I can't do it._

_This is why I'm leaving Stardew Valley and moving far, far away. I hate this stupid town, and I hate that the only thing that made me happy here was Ash. I need to get away._

_Maybe someday she'll understand why I couldn't give her what she wanted. What I wanted too. Maybe even I'll understand someday. Until then, I have to give myself time to go through all these things to think about._

 

_Love,_

 

_Haley._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!
> 
> I am so sorry it took me so long to update this story. Life got the best of me for a bit there but it's all good now! 
> 
> I struggled with this for months, and I apologize if it's not the same quality as the other chapters. I knew from the get go that there wouldn't be a happy ending, but I had a really hard time not letting Ash and Haley be happy. This is super out of my element, if you couldn't tell!
> 
> Thank you so much for all the support you've given me since I started this. I know my writing has improved greatly since the last absolute disaster I posted, and I appreciate everyone who stuck with it and waited patiently for the update. I would occasionally get an email from AO3 about this story and it would warm my heart every single time!! Thank you so much!! I hope you enjoyed my little Ukrainian fool as much as I have <3


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